Party and preaching

last night was kris and i's birthday party, and it was amazing and so much fun. We are surrounded by so many friends, and i feel truly blessed. We took about 300 pictures, and i've been going through them all day today. What amazing memories.
These are the memories that i can look back and smile on for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow is youth sunday. And i'm preaching. I also just finished writing my sermon. I had written it before, but i read over tonight, and tore it up. and re-wrote it.

I'm nervous.

You know, i can direct a cast of 30+ people dancing just fine, i get no qualms or nervousness about that. But put me up on that pulpit tomorrow...i'm already nervous. last time i did this i was so prepared. this time i seriously just wrote my flipping sermon-so i'm not prepared at all. i havn't practiced it or anything. and it still isn't what i want it to be.

:(

i feel amazing after the party, but i'm dreading tomorrow morning

Lookin forward to the sunset,
It's been a long day.
Take me home tonight,
Take me home, make me safe.
Whisper you think i'm beautiful,
Even with my faults,
And don't ever forget,
It's your smile that makes the sunrise,
After tonights sunset.

Random Question

If everyone was black and white, there would be no color, no variety, no excitement. Arn't you glad that we all have our own colors, shapes, sizes, and diversity? It makes the world such a more interesting place.

Tears of laughter,
And tears of joy,
Combine to mix,
Shape and size,
Everlasting eternal light.

Well, it's been 10 years today since my dad has died. That means that i've lived half my life now with out him. I remember when i used to think, gosh, what am i going to be like someday with out him? or how will i be able to keep living? Back then, i would never have known that i would have been as ok with it as i am now. But...10 years is a long time, and alot has happen. What will happen in the next 10 years? I used to think things like, geez, when i turn 16, 18...its going to be so hard without him. But really...it hasn't been. It's just like living yet another day. Life has this funny way of never stopping-it just keeps going no matter how much you think it should or will stop. I've also always thought, geez, its going to be hard my senior year without him. It's my senior year. .....yeah-how do i feel about it now? ::Shrug:: <= thats about it. This most likely sounds really cruel. I don't mean it to sound that way. It's just that i have gotten used to ...well, not having a dad in my life. How messed up and crazy is that?

When i was younger, i would imagine myself as i grew older without my dad, and i couldn't invision it. It just didn't seem humanly possible. And yet now, i can't imagine myself with him. I just have no idea what life would be like if he were here. I know that because he died, i have met and befriended alot of people i most likely would never have even known about. What other things would have been different if he were here? Would i be a druggie, have different friends, a different style, would i have the same dreams and goals that i have now? i have no idea. Its a really wierd concept.

I don't know.

One thing however, hasn't changed since he died. His memory. It's not like i can close my eyes and see his face or anything, but i know how loved i was. I can still remember stupid things like him raking the leaves, putting both them and me in the big wheel barrow, and then dumping them all (and me) out where he grew his wildflowers. I remember going and pouncing on him in bed in the mornings and him reading Misty of Chicotigue (sp?) to me while mom got a shower. Or that one time when i was sick with a fevor, and he came back from work and sat beside me on my bed, and i played with his tie. I remember how cool that material felt against my hand and cheek. (maybe thats why i sometimes actually wear his ties???) I can still smell the sawdust i would play in the basement as he would build bird houses, tables, stools, and everything else woody that could be built. I also can remember the feel of his old flannel shirts against my cheek as he would give me a hug. Little rememberances. But sometimes even the little things, can mean alot.

When he died, i really didn't understand it, and i hated it. I hated how people said they knew what i was feeling, i hated how they looked at me with sympathy in their eyes. I hated how i could hear them thinking to themselves in their heads as i walked by, that poor child. I hated how they said everything, someday, would be OK. I hated the tears and the feelings behind them.

What do i love now? That there are SOME people out there that DO understand. How i have showed people that i CAN live, and i'm not a miserable little thing using my dad's death as an excuse for everything. I love how sometimes, things actually do end up ok. I understand what the tears are for, and i understand that the feelings behind them show how much i love and still care for him. 

The sypmathy however, is still hard to deal with. Everyone has their trials that they have to work through. It just so happens, that i had to work through it earlier in life than most.

Well, i kinda don't know what else to say. Kinda said it all i guess. Sorry for all my rambling. Please do not comment on this post.

Love you Dad